I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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