sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
