I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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