I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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