Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
