I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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