My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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