She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
