Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
