I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
