I haven't been this sober since birth.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Ketchup is God's man juice
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
