i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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