I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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