they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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