there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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