My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
