Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
