guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
so much tequila, so little girl.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
