i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
