i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
