So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
two words: eviction party
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
