This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
