did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
