After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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