Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
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