When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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