shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
