i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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