in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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