is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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