hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
