i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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