I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
