i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
