Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
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