Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize