Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
