Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
