She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
