"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize