I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
