Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Dicks are not precious.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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