Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
