you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
