I feel like abortions should bother me more
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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