Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
