I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
