Too much gin, very little bucket
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
