But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
