I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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