I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
