apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
