so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
