Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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