Don't make out with my wife yet
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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