Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Someone shattered a urinal.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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