I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
