During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
